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Below are the 9 most recent journal entries.


  2007.06.30  23.49
Friday night......

The big question?..... Did I really go out last night? Well the simple answer is yes I did.... I went with TheTender and his wife "Blue Eyes". Where did we go? Mardi Gras.... Yes I said it... M a r d i   G r a s!!!! Thank you guys up in there.... I had a blast!!!! Another question.... Did I drink.... YES I DID..... Man o man was I feeling good.... And to the guys, that were "watching me", dancing with me... hehee ... following around... I want to thank you for making me feel good... I was so nervous to go out... Why you may ask? I have not been out in so long, and body has gone thru some changes... But you all made me forget about that for one night.... and that to me was the Greatest gift you all could of gave me.... AND THANK YOU D and B for taking me out of this little hole in the wall.... YOUR THE GREATEST.... or as Forrest Gump said, "my good best friend..." Did I say that right B? Nothing but luvs.... and thanks to 104.9 you guys were great.... Oh and I will post the one and only picture taken on monday.... as soon as the TheTender uploads it... *winks* oh I forgot someone, Drew, cant leave you out! Thanks so much for "looking out" for me.... I appericate it.... and thank you for being a gentleman.... I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.... hollar back and let me know how yours is going?

 The person's mentioned are friends from  my myspace page....

Mood: good

  2007.06.27  23.35
6 days ago I posted... better than the last time... 8

So I think I am getting a little better.... Took me a few days to calm down from the last time... Now it is over flowing again... I think my son has lost his ever living mind. The baby momma came back with the baby and I think that she is staying until the baby goes home. This is total bullshit... yes i said. but come on. I have spoke my mind to him as he asked me too.... And he was on the computer all day yesterday.... Supposely getting a new girl friend... and he would not let me check my email last night before bed... which pissed me off... I have been pissed for two days now. And he is getting cockier and cockier with me. And I dont I am getting to the point that I dont give a damn. He's about to find himself out on his backside. What the heck is wrong with this generation of kids... Trying to over take their parents and try to make them obey them... Grrrr to things that make ya insane....

Mood: frustrated

  2007.06.21  20.20
Same day, different day.... does it make any difference?

Okay so maybe I do have a little writers block.... or not. Maybe its just that I didnt really want to put my crap out there... but right now the stress is getting so bad that I am having a relapse of the worse kind. I can feel it creeping up. Who the heck am I kidding. After today, man o' man.... Son and his baby moma are having some freaking issues... I keep telling them that I dont want to be drugged into any of it... But somehow, someway B does it.... I got to the point that I was comfortable enough with what was happening... Me being left alone to deal with my health issues. It was not easy but I did it. I still do it even with B back in the house. But now he expects me to wait on him hand and foot... NOT GOING TO HAPPEN... He's got a kid now.... I have said, I am not going to be the one who takes care of your kid. Cant happen... wont happen.. But somehow, someway.... nana is doing it. But one way I see it is, that someone needs to do it. The mother acts as tho she doesnt want anything to do with it.... Which is wrong and I dont even want to get on that issue.... But the way I see it on her is that she is not getting the "babying she got when she was pregnant" any more. She told my son, "I'm going to think or worry about you or the baby. I am going to take care of me first." Well guess what miss smarty pants who TRICKED my son into getting her preg.... You dont come first when it comes to you kids..... esp when they are infants... they didnt ask you to make em.... if you cant deal then you better start telling the rest of the family... She has the case of " I want my cake and eat it too" syndrome. Get this tho, B and I had the baby until yesterday, a week. Ok.... He takes baby home.... but comes back with her. AND NO BABY........ and she is still here... I know that I can NOT be the only parent in this whole who see this.... All I know is, my health is not go enough to take of no baby.... He made em.... I didnt stick my ..... in her... and get her that way. I dont want no part of it.... but at the same time have to think about how the baby is picking up on her vibes.... I always let baby know that his nana loves him and will make sure that nothing bad will happen... I sent a guardian to watch over him when he is not with me or in my house. That's enough for now because she is tryin to peek over my shoulders to see what I am typing... I hate when people do that crap....

Mood: stressed

  2007.06.19  18.15
a couple of new pictures of baby

I just wanted to let ya know that I posted two new pics of the baby.... and before you ask..... NO I am not in them... ***na na na*** But Ben said that he was going to get posted so here are some. Like I said before you want to see the rest you goin to have to go to MySpace.... I have all the kids on my page... 

Mood: bouncy

  2007.05.30  00.03
Here I go again

Well got son back home.... plus his kid and his girl friend..... What the... I guess the girl friend is moving in the apartment. It is not all suppose to happen until the middle of the month.... well she will be here before the baby. She said she wants her parents to have the baby for a week so she can get a job with out any interupptions. I just kicked out one kid.... and in exchange I am now, going to have three more mouths to feed. Ben is suppose to be getting a job with the Pizza Hut down the street. But they have not called and he will not call them. So it is going to be time for me to be on him like flies on shit. *shakes head* I dont know about all of this. But will have to see.... If I can handle it or not. If its NOT then lord help me....

Mood: indifferent

  2007.05.17  18.21
Have had to much stress....

But what else is new.... right? No one cares what their stress does to me... (talking about my son). I finally got down to a min on the stress for the most part. But I know it has went way back up... Just from having my son back at home. Which I know is not fair... but he was the one who wanted to be grown and have a baby. Now that he has done that he thinks that I have to move down their again. Hell NO I wont go... My health stinks... and apparently very obvious. My dad, mom and step sister came over yesterday. I haven't seen her in a while. I guess after they got back to her house she made the comment : Now I can see why dad is so worried about Carmen. She looks terrible. Worse then the last time I seen her.... Man O man... I cant even hide it now....at all. This stinks.  But all good in the hood....

Mood: peaceful

  2007.05.09  01.05
Tornadoes all around.... And I'm....

Sitting here in the dark, except for the light of the laptop and the tv. Have A Night at the Museum... lame but funny. Cant sleep. Nerves on end. Stressing out with what the doctor going to say. Millions of things going thru my mind. And then nothing. I feel like I hit a brick wall. The only reason I ever came to this forsaken state is because of my father. He has been sick for ever it seems. And he is stressed out over my health. I dont like making anyone worry about me. I dont like to be a burden. Getting depressed not going to talk about it right now. The biggest problem I have is this kid Ryan that is or was my sons friend. His mom and dad took in my son when he didnt want to be up here.... or take him camping with them etc etc... Anyhow, his mom needed some help with him and I reluctantly let him come and stay here... only problem is : his TEMPER. I dont like having angry people around me. And this kid likes to hit himself in the face and head with his fist. He has no coping skills what so ever.  I know I cant handle it again..... I ve had enough but dont want to cause problems for them.... but its causing problems for me. Ryan has helped me out alot since I have been sick this go around... and couldnt move to much. But he gets on my last nerve... This is draining me... just need to figure out a delicate way of handling this.... I am actually getting tired. So going to quit while I am ahead or my brain going to start going ninety mile an hour....again.


  2007.05.06  06.46
Sunday morning... way to early Oh wait I haven't been to bed yet!

Well once again it has been one of those nights. I am tired but can't sleep. Don't feel good but tired of laying around. If I get up and start moving around I will end up crashing later on. At this moment in time cant win for losing... or how ever that goes. I got a email from my step mom. But I just call her mom. She is telling me that my dad is going into a shell of sorts. He wont talk to any one.  And he is grumpy. She doesn't know what to do. Because he wont talk to her. Well he wont talk to me. He just sit there and stares at me. With this look.... deep concern and thought... but he is also hiding another little secret.... He is not well his self. He thinks he is hiding it from me... well cant fool me... I tried the same stunt... and it didn't work. He nearly had a cow when I called him when I got up. He hadn't heard from me since Wednesday when we were still waiting on the doctors office to call. I think he is stressing.... hell I am stressing. I already know what this office visit is going to lead too... hospital.... surgery. Recovery and then hopefully then will start to feel better and my colon will have room...I am hoping that with extra room for when it swells I wont hurt as quickly... if that makes any sense. I know what I mean. lol. But yeah.... I think I am going to try and close my eyes for a little while and not think about all these things... My mind need a break for a moment. And with that I bid good day!

Mood: sleepy

  2007.05.02  15.04
Testing the waters

 "Sticking little toe in, ..... to see how this is going to work...." I was actually seeing it in my head as I typed it... I just had a relaxing moment.... Whoa! Right now I am in my own little crisis... And it stinks! Im getting ticked off easily, too, I've noticed. People taking advantaged of a sick person. Meaning me. But makes me mad when people are like that too ours too. I mean I can't control people and dont have any desire too but damn.... have some respect and dont mess with em. I mean come on you know how you feel when you are really sick. So sick you can't see straight. Everything is woozy looking. And you just feel like you been run over by a mac truck.... yeah that one.. well try feeling like that all the time. I do... not having a self pity party here either.... I just getting tired of people using me.... They all know (they; being the neighbors) that I am not doing so well. But they still knocking on my door... saying oh I just wanted to check on how you are doing.... and then will you drive me to the store? Is the next freaking question.... I mean come on...I am not a freaking taxi service... and I sure as heck not letting them have the keys to my car... Their out of their freaking minds if they think any different. Hey I dont mind helping people out when I am up and feeling pretty decent. But this crazy person next to me.... Ohhhhh I just want to punch her out at times.... no respect.....NONE. I all ready felt weird being around here... and she made it even worse... when she told me, Yeah I put my head to wall to see if I can hear you moving around... or coming running over to your door and put my ear up to it.... What the heck would you think if your neighbor told you some sh** like that? Can you say STALKING!!! She sees me come and go because she is always watching out the window for me.... Man I hate living the ghetto...... This is crap!!! Ok feel a little better.... Not much.... but yeah...

Mood: cranky